How to survive bunk beds, awkward conversations, and that one guy who clips his toenails on your pillow
You’ve crossed borders, conquered jet lag, dodged scammers… But now you face the real boss battle: a shared dorm with 9 strangers, 3 of whom snore like jet engines and one who keeps asking if you’ve “done the Banana Pancake Trail.”
Welcome to hostel life - beautiful, chaotic, and occasionally horrifying. Here’s how to navigate it like a seasoned degenerate.
1. Say Hello - Then Retreat Into Shadow
Walk into the dorm, give a quick “hey” with confident energy, and immediately assess the threat level of everyone present.
- Do: Acknowledge humans like a normal person. A smile and a nod like you’ve seen things.
- Don’t: Launch into your life story or ask anyone what their zodiac sign is within 3 minutes.
2. The Bed Is Your Kingdom. Guard It.
Your bunk is your home, your dojo, your bunker. Establish territory quickly.
- ✅ Make your bed
- ✅ Put a towel or sarong up if there’s no curtain
- ✅ Lock up your bag as soon as you take out your clothes and toiletries
- ✅ Keep valuables out of sight - trust is earned, not assumed
- 🚫 Don’t leave dirty underwear on your pillow like you’re marking territory
- 🚫 Don’t let your charging cable dangle into someone else’s bed - that’s a declaration of war
- 🚫 Don’t throw your main bag on the bed - it risks bringing bed bugs and dirt into your sleeping space. Yet somehow, everyone seems to do it.
3. Social Stealth Tactics
Want to be left alone? Use these proven anti-social devices:
- Headphones (working, or not)
- Open laptop + unreadable spreadsheet = no one asks what you’re doing
- Book with a serious title (e.g. The Death of Western Capitalism)
Feeling social? Sit in the common area without a phone. That's basically a mating call.
4. The Bathroom Code
Everyone’s watching, no one’s saying it.
- If you’re gonna take 30 minutes in there, you’d better walk out glowing
- Bring all your stuff in one go - this is not your personal ensuite
- Don’t leave your shampoo like you’re claiming territory. You will lose that battle
- Hot tip: Flip-flops are mandatory. No barefoot bathroom bravery.
5. Ask Better Questions
If you must start a conversation, avoid the hostel cliché generator. No more:
- “Where are you from?”
- “How long have you been traveling?”
Try:
- “What’s the best place to eat around here?”
- “Do you think the A/C is just decorative?”
- “Is that guy okay, or is that his normal snoring pattern?”
6. Respect the Sleep Protocol
You will be judged for how you enter the room at 2am.
- ✅ Use your phone light (not the nuclear dorm light)
- ✅ Minimize zippers - prep your stuff in advance
- ✅ No whispering - everyone can hear it
- ✅ Just go to bed. Nobody wants a TED Talk at 2am
- 🚫 Don’t be the snorer or sleep-talker - your snoring is the dorm’s unofficial anthem
- 🚫 Don’t talk loudly in bed during quiet hours or early mornings - respect the fragile dreams of your bunkmates
- 🚫 Alarm clocks: Set it once. If it rings more than twice, you’re the dorm’s new mortal enemy.
7. On Hostel Staff Etiquette
- Greet them like a human, not a vending machine
- Ask one smart question, not ten obvious ones
- Say thank you - they deal with 40 versions of you a day
They’re your allies. Respect goes a long way - and might score you early check-in or a free towel.
If you see something busted like a running toilet or leaking ceiling, let the staff know - ideally when they’re not in the middle of putting out actual fires. (Yes, that happens.)
8. Exit Strategies for Energy Vampires
Got stuck talking to a guy who only wants to talk about crypto or Ayahuasca?
- “Hey, I’ve gotta work on something, I’ll catch you later.”
- “Time to go sweat through another bodyweight workout.”
- “I think my SIM card’s about to explode.”
Say it once, like you mean it, and walk.
9. When in Doubt: Less Is More
You don’t need to make friends in every dorm. Sometimes it’s just a place to sleep, shower, and dip. You can be friendly without being available.
Play it cool. Observe first. Then decide if you want to talk, train, or vanish into the nearest coffee shop with A/C and your sanity intact.
10. Nails Are Not a Dorm Weapon
Clipping nails over the bed? Congrats, you just declared war on everyone’s immune system. Use the bathroom or common area for grooming - no one wants to wake up in a talon battlefield.
11. Lights Out Means Lights Out
Bed lamps are for reading only - don’t leave them glowing like a lighthouse all night. If you must pee, use your phone light - just don’t blind your dormmates.
12. Earplugs Are Your Best Friends
Carry them everywhere, because snoring, traffic noise, and random night ruckuses are guaranteed.
13. Laundry Etiquette
Don’t steal others’ clothes from the drying rack. This is not a swap meet. If you’re going to do laundry, check if your roommates have hung stuff first. Respect the space.
14. Kitchen Karma
Clean up after yourself - nobody likes the ghost of dirty dishes past haunting the hostel. Label your food if you don’t want it “borrowed” - communal fridges are wild jungles.
15. Shower Showdown
Quick showers only - the queue is real. No shampoo bottles on the floor. Nobody wants to slip on your soap bomb.
16. Common Area Code
Don’t hog the best seats with your entire gear spread out. Share the space, share the vibes. Noise levels: Be aware. Your music might be fire, but your dormmates might hate it.
Final Tip: Embrace the Weird
Hostel life is messy, loud, and full of questionable hygiene - but it’s also where the best stories begin. Approach it like training. Every snorer, drunk roommate, or 3-tier bunk you survive is another rep under your belt.
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